Pirates Pack for West Coast; Forget Bats at Home

The Pirates, after 15 years of futility have officially decided to up the ante. They had gotten far too good at losing, so they decided to take it up a level and try to lose without actually using a bat. The results: 7-0 L and 3-0 L. Who would have thought??

Additionally, the pitcher on the winning end of the 7-0 L, Jeff Weaver, came in with a robust 0-6 record and had not won since September 2006. Well, don't sweat it, Jeff. The Buccos are coming to town sans bats! Weaver pitched a 4-hit, complete game shutout. How embarrassing.

Jason Bay, who is mired in an 11-66 June swoon mentioned the possibility of using a wet noodle for a bat in LA where the Suckos start a series with the Angels tonight. Bay said, "We are pretty much the worst team in sports, so why not try something new...you know, keep the guys on their toes. And imagine if one of us actually gets a hit with the noodle! We'd have a chance to get on SportsCenter for once!!"

Avast Ye Mateys!!

NEWSFLASH: The Pirates Win a Game

Breaking news from PNC Park tell that the Pittsburgh Pirates have actually won a game. Sources are still trying to verify that this is official and the scores weren't forged. The final, unofficial tally reads 7-5. The Suckos held a commanding 5-0 lead, but allowed the Rangers to claw their way back based on the Pirates agreement with MLB that all games be close or else they'd be relegated to AAA status.

Things have been so bleak since the Pirates last won a game that many Pirates fans were discouraged that the team may lose the rest of the games. Coraopolis native Donnie Olson, a 48-year old janitor, mentioned that this is something that he will tell his grandchildren about some day. In a thick Pittsburgh accent, Donnie noted, "We all thought 'dem guys would never win again! This is great! I'm so happy I spent my disability check on tickets for tonight's game! My Uncle Louie always mentions how he saw the Buccos beat the Yankees at Forbes Filled back in '60...well now I gots me a little sumthin' to tell my kids & grandkids!"

Ahhh, to be like Donnie from Coraopolis. He truly is living the dream!

Major League Baseball as South Park Characters

I have seen this done many times by random writers on ESPN.com and other media outlets in the past so I thought it would be fun to try to do it as well. The concept is to compare Major League teams to the different South Park characters. Let's start with the worst team...The Pittsburgh Pirates. I could have gone in two different directions here I think. I went with a character who is not among the main four - which is fitting because the Pirates have been irrelevant in Major League Baseball since 1993.

So, here they are:

Butters Stotch = Pittsburgh Pirates:

The Pirates, much like Butters, have been on the receiving end of joke after joke for the better part of 15 years (longer than Butters' entire life). He gets picked on by the big boys and is always made to do embarrassing tasks like dressing up as a woman, being Paris Hilton's new pet, catching a Chinese star in the face, finding out his dad frequents gay bath houses and resorting to disguising himself as "Professor Chaos" because he feels neglected and wants attention.
Butters is the character who gets picked on and gives up his lunch money to avoid a beating. The Pirates are that same character. The Pirates "milk money" is usually in the form of a desirable player. Rather than fighting to keep the player that another team is after, the Pirates usually curl up in the fetal position and throw the money out in an attempt to avoid a beating. Craig Wilson could have fetched a nice lunch, but rather than fight and be creative, Littlefield gives him away to avoid a black eye.

The top similarity comes by way of Butters driving himself crazy trying to think of a prank that The Simpsons television show did not already do. No matter how many plans he thought of, somebody always pointed out how The Simpsons had already tried that gag. This is similar in that the Pirates have been trying to be unique for years. They have been trying to win (trying is a questionable word to use there) while simultaneously keeping their payroll low. The Pirates have failed in doing so. However, the Twins, Marlins & Indians have been able to successfully pull this off. Therefore, in this parallel, the Twins, Marlins & Indians are The Simpsons. Until things change, the Pirates will always be the nervous, guinea pig who is looking to avoid being embarrassed in the classroom that is the National League.

Eric Cartman = New York Yankees:

Ironically, the character that everyone cites as their favorite is the equivalent of the team that everybody loves to hate. Upon second look, though, maybe it isn't so strange. The Yankees are a team that evokes strong emotions - either you love 'em or you hate 'em. Cartman is the kid who isn't really even friends with his own friends. he fights with them every episode. Every decision he makes is made out of selfishness and a feeling of entitlement. Every season, Yankees fans feel like it's their birthright to win the World Series. Cartman feels like he should not be required to do homework or help out in any way.

When Cartman does face conflict, it is usually at his own doing as a result of trying to cut corners. For example, he once froze himself in an attempt to preserve himself so he wouldn't have to suffer through waiting for a new video game system's release date. Could you see George Steinbrenner doing the same thing in anticipation of another world series title??? He also electrocuted himself so he could go back to 1776 and see what it was like in those days as opposed to doing the homework himself. Cartman also wants everybody to respect his authority. His customary line is similar to what the Yankees say through their off seasons each year. They make the most moves. They stay in the headlines as much as possible. And they try to cause every other team to fear the big, bad New York Yankees.

Kyle Broflovski = Boston Red Sox:

Kyle is Cartman's nemesis. No other character could be the Red Sox. Kyle gets pissed off at Cartman's antics in most episodes. Cartman does things just to mess with Kyle's head. He knows that he pisses Kyle off and does things just to provoke him.

On the same token, in the episode titled "Smug Alert!" Cartman goes to San Francisco in order to save Kyle and bring him back to South Park. The reason being: he can't picture life without hating Kyle. He tried to pick on Butters and other side characters, but it didn't have the same allure. Just like the Yankees have tried to have "rivalries" with other franchises, it doesn't have the same effect. The hatred that each character completes one another and it goes the same way for the Red Sox and the Yankees.

Kenny McCormick = Florida Marlins:

Kenny is the poor kid in the group. He lives in a broken-down shack. But he does have some of the best toys and every now and then comes off as being the kid that everyone envies. The Marlins are poor, no one really likes them and they play in an old, run-down stadium. But every now and then, they put it all together and make a run for a World Series title. In '97 and '03 the Marlins won the World Series. Upon winning the World Series, the Marlins owners traded all of their high-priced talent and ripped its team a part. This is reminiscent of the episode called "Go God Go!" where Kenny plays a video game until he dies. He plays it and becomes the best at the game. However, after the episode is over, Kenny doesn't play the game anymore and loses interest. Like the Marlins, Kenny climbed to the top, won it all, and decided to start "another game".
One final parallel lies in the fact that the Marlins die every time they win the World Series. Kenny dies in just about every episode.

Stan Marsh = Oakland A's:

Stan was a tough character to assign a team to. He is pretty level-headed and doesn't have any unique character traits that the other characters pick on aside from his hippy tendencies. Therefore, I feel like he matches up well with the Oakland A's. Stan is arguably the most "normal" of the kids, and is generally honest, very mature for his age, and well-meaning. This sounds like the A's to me. They are an honest, hard working, smaller market team. They are usually ahead of the curve by banking on unique principles to judge baseball talent like "Moneyball".

Kyle is usually heroic and will normally save the day. In a way, the A's are heroes for all of the small-market teams in MLB. They have provided a model of hope for small-market teams like the Twins, Royals and Pirates to follow and have remained relevant in the high-spending world of MLB despite pinching pennies. Stan's hippy tendencies, such as attending a hippy jam fest and his love of all animals make him a logical choice to represent the Bay Area.

Lastly, Stan typically throws up whenever he's around his girlfriend, Wendy. The A's have been in contention every season since 1999 however every season they run into some trouble in the playoffs and end up "puking on their girlfriend" (reaching the World Series).

Mr. Garrison = Chicago Cubs:

The Chicago Cubs, one of the most colorful teams in MLB is most similar to the flamboyant and colorful Mr/Mrs Garrison character. Mr Garrison started out as a very gay man - much like the douchebags that cheer on the Cubs. The Cubs also play a mere blocks away from Boystown. Mr Garrison has undergone plastic surgery to make himself more attractive for other men. The Cubs too have undergone many transformations in order to field a winner. Yet, despite each nip and each tuck, the Cubs continue to lose. Mr Garrison finally pulled a 180 and had a sex change operation to become a woman. He still is unattractive to men and continues to struggle to score. The Cubs underwent a major off-season overhaul and spent a ton of money on quick fixes. They brought in the fiery Lou Piniella to manage the team and spent huge money on Alfonso Soriano. However, they also spent big-time money on pitchers Gil Meche and Ted Lilly. This is the equivalent of getting a tummy tuck or a face lift. It may sound good on paper but these are terrible players who will not last in the long run.

The Cubs have not won a World Series title since 1908 and like Mr. Garrison's luck with the opposite sex, things don't look like they're going to change.

Ike Broflovski = Toronto Blue Jays:

Ike is Kyle's little brother. He doesn't appear in many episodes but when he does it's usually in order for Kyle to "kick the baby!". The Blue Jays are seldom in contention for the AL East crown, but when they are the Yankees and Red Sox typically take turns kicking their ass. Ike mostly resembles the Blue Jays because he is adopted and is originally from Canada. Like Ike, the Blue Jays are the only Canadian team remaining in MLB.

This past season, Ike played a bigger role and had an affair with his kindergarten teacher. I relate this to the early-90s when the Blue Jays won back-to-back World Series titles - it doesn't happen often, but it has happened.

I couldn't think of any team that Randy Marsh would characterize. Any thoughts? More to come....

You've Been Pissing On Us For Years. Stop Telling Us It's Raining!

I am officially done with being a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. After 25 years of loyalty, I have closed the book on that chapter of my life. I will only re-open the book if the team is sold. I will no longer worry about the Pirates' moves, win totals or record.

What I will do is mock everything they do. I will question their leadership with unabashed joy. And I will put all of my creative energy into my hatred for the Pirates. This includes my going to more games in the hopes of attracting others to join my platform.
I will never say that I was a "die hard" Pirates fan. But I was loyal. I was caring. And most importantly, I was a Pirates fan during the darkest, lowest period any professional sports team has ever experienced. When I was in high school and college at Pitt, I would attend 3-5 games a year. I now live in Arlington, VA and plan on attending as many Pirates games as possible just to have an outlet. I want to be heard and I want to help make it clear that our current situation is not acceptable!

What I find most troubling is the fact that I have defended the Pirates decisions and moves and chalked our situation up to economics. "If it weren't for the Yankees and Red Sox buying the best players every year, we (small market teams) would be just fine." I feel as if I somehow was brainwashed into this line of thinking. Well, if that's the case, then why are the Brewers, Twins, A's, Indians, Tigers, Marlins & Padres all in contention?!? Not only are they in contention, but the A's, Twins & Indians have been for the better part of this decade. But I thought "small market teams" can't compete in Major League baseball?

You know what makes me even more sick? The fact that the Marlins have been born, built a championship, been gutted and sold for spare parts, built championship team number 2, ripped that team apart and are busy assembling the third competitive team all in the past 13 years. What have the Pirates done in that time? Failed miserably with 2 separate 5-year plans. It's kind of difficult to build a house or a foundation when you have no idea where to buy the materials needed.

If that isn't bad enough, the ownership questions our intelligence by telling us the idiotic reasons why something is done and expect us to believe it. "John Van Ben Schoten is going to be a great pitcher - although every other MLB team loved him as a position player. Trust us...we know what we're doing after all!"

Last year was bad enough. Remember the trade deadline deals? Our 1 piece that was attractive to a team looking to make a run (Craig Wilson) gets traded for Shawn Chacon - a player who the Yankees planned on releasing if a trade was unable to be worked out. So...we get a guy we could have claimed off of waivers in exchange for the player that a few teams were interested in. Nice move, Dave! But even he wasn't finished. Remember back before the 2006 season when Texas offered us Hank Blalock for Oliver Perez? Littlefield thinks: "No, I will not give up on him yet. He has something left to give." So, Dave keeps the faith long enough to toss-in Ollie in an underwhelming deal with the Mets! A toss-in! I realize that he sucked last year and wasn't doing much for us, but if Littlefield was offered Blalock for him a mere months earlier and passed, why would he sell so low on him just 5 months later? Look at Perez now...pretty much the ace of a Mets team that is expected to challenge for the National League Pennant. What harm would it have caused to hang on to him and see if he'd re-gain that zip that made him so desirable back in 2004? He'd cause us to lose 90-100 games if we keep trotting him out there every 5th day? Who gives a shit!?! We lose 90 games standing on our heads!

The drafting of the 5th best pitcher in the draft at the number 4 slot was the last straw for me. Sure we could have drafted a "once a decade player" in catcher Matt Wieters. We don't need him! We will be able to sign a stud free agent in a few years - no worries. What we do need is a relief pitcher! We'll need that relief pitcher to help protect all of the leads that we get with our dynamic team in a few years starring all of our minor league stars. Namely, (crickets)....

So what if Wieters would bolt once he becomes a free agent? Maybe we'd be able to have at least one year where we're not terrible. And I don't care what anybody says - the 2007 Pirates team is god-awful. Somehow we've been able to stay semi-competitive. I'm not sure how. But we're on the verge of a monumental Pirates meltdown. July will be bad. I just hope I can make it up to PNC Park to help pile on. I plan on building a tee pee in Centerfield and heckling the Pirates players for the rest of the year like the guys in Major League.

Anyway, maybe I'll never write another post on this blog. I just felt like I needed an outlet to get all of this shit out. But I am done with the Pirates until we get an owner with some balls. An owner who wants to win. I am having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror lately upon the sad realization that it wasn't the economics of baseball that kept us in the cellar. It was the fucking awful ownership of Bob Nutting.